Dear John
by Dawn-light dreamer
Summary: "I never knew the true meaning of a heartache until I got this letter from a woman who never ceases to dwell in the warmest corner of my heart. Then, I not only understood the meaning of this heart-wrenching word, I also felt it." -John Cena


_Dear John,_

_It's been a long time since we've spoken to each other, or better yet even laid eyes on each other. But now by writing this letter, I thought I should just remind you, that I still do exist in this world._

_Lately, I haven't been feeling so good. Maybe because of the fact that Alex left me a week ago to marry off someone else. All my feelings have been juggling around my head and as a result, I am unable to comprehend with reality. It suddenly feels like my world has grown darker and this void in my heart just keeps getting bigger and bigger. And maybe that's why, I thought I should reach out to you for the comfort that my broken heart desperately needs._

_But then again, why you? From all the people that have given me love, why you? I can't find the answer to this question myself. All I know is that, you are the only one who always picked me up whenever I'd come crashing down. You might not know this John but Alex refused to pick me up when my entire world collapsed. That's why, I live today without him by my side. And maybe that's why, my heart is calling out to you today._

_But then again, a nagging sense of guilt just bothers me at the same time. Yes, I know you and I have come a long way from 2004 when we first fell in love and that I may be still a part of your ever-evolving world. But that's it. Maybe I am just a part. I can never be your entire 'world' like I always dreamt of. _

_But now, I see you wrap your arms around this another girl and really, she has become the center of your entire existence. I'll be lying to myself if I didn't say I envy her but dearest John, whenever you smile happily around her, my heart glows with the reflection of your happiness. Because that is what love really is. If I never loved you in the first place, I'd have resented the fact that you have someone else in your life now. But really I am just glad that the dimples I always adored never faded from your face._

_You've got so much in your life now John. Championships, international fame, your own health programme. You've grown to become the ambassador of Make-A-Wish foundation. Remember how long ago, during the course of the night when we'd be lying in each others' arms, you'd tell me about the kids you met over there and how much you wanted to make them happy. Well, I always believed that you would become an important part of Make-A-Wish and now, it seems like my dream has become a reality._

_You've become the face of the WWE and you've everything a man could ask for during an entire lifetime. And most importantly, you've your entire "world" walking with you by your side. She goes with the name of Nikki Bella and yes, you two do make a handsome couple. I hope and pray that the love you've founded in each other never fades like many of your previous stories John. Because people like them will suddenly stop coming into your life. And all that remains are the precious footsteps in your heart._

_I remember the first time we ever fought, how you yelled at me, told me that you'd get a 100 more girls in your life and that you didn't need me. Well, it's time to let you know John, even if you do get a 100 girls later in your life, I just want you to know that I am glad I was at least a part of your life. I am glad I at least got a man like you who held me tight and wiped my tears and reflected my smiles. Because unlike you, I can never get a 100 other men who can match up to the place that you own in my heart._

_You might be wondering, why all this, all of this talk after nearly 10 years of not even glancing at each other. Well, it's because something tells me I can never tell you all of these feelings face to face. I'll never be able to let you know the immense value that you hold in my life. And I've been having this premonition, something's bad gonna happen and I might never see you again. That's why, I am writing this letter by keeping in mind that, it could be my very last._

_Dear John, in the course of our entire relationship, I always felt wonderful, like you emitted some sort of a light around you that seemed to invariably warm my heart. I still remember feeling so safe and protected when you'd wrap your strong arms around me and hold me till I could smell your scent, even the next day all over my body. The time when we first made love was undoubtedly the most precious memory of my life. Because really that time, I realized that I loved you endlessly._

_When we were done and you lay next to me, sweating all over, I wish I could have told you how much, just how much you mean to me and how lucky I was to have found you in a sea of million men. But something stopped me, I don't know what it was. Maybe because I was uncertain that you'd reciprocate my feelings and would never love me as much as I love you. Nevertheless, I've always loved you John, always. Even when we'd fight, even when you were mad at me, even when we gave each other our final goodbyes, I never stopped loving you sweetheart._

_I just want you to know, that if something happens to me and if I am unable to see you when I'm breathing my very last, the last name to escape my lips will be yours. I still wish though when I'd be lying on my death bed, you could come and hold my hand and ease the pain for me till I am finally lifted up to the heavens. But I know it's impossible because you're in another state, miles and miles away from me. So even if something does happen, I can never see you before I leave this world._

_Dearest John, thank you for giving me the most precious memories of my life, for being there whenever my world collapsed and most importantly, for never letting my own dimples fade from my own face. Live your life like the Champ you are and remember to never let go of Nikki's hand for she truly loves you. I'm going now and maybe when you get this letter, I will already be long gone. But when you feel like you need me, look up at the stars and I promise to guide you as one of them._

_I love you dear John, always and forever._

_Lovingly yours, _

_TorrieX_

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_5 years later_

John's P.O.V

"Hurry dad, the show's about to start!" yelled my little 3 year old son, Jonathan Cena. I looked up from the car magazine I was reading and smiled at him. "You go ahead Champ, I'll be right there" I smiled at him. He grinned back while I remained in my bedroom, a cup of coffee next to me on the table.

"Honey?" my wife of 3 years and who also happened to be an ex-diva called me from the kitchen.

"Yeah baby?"

"Could you come check the dispenser please? I think it's jammed."

"Coming."

Saying this, I got up from my favorite leather couch and headed for the kitchen. As I entered the room, I saw my beautiful wife, Nichole, her brows crossed in puzzlement as she stared at the blue dispenser.

I simply smirked at her and then began to examine the dispenser while she stood there and smiled at me.

There are moments in my life when I still can't believe that I'm married as well as a father to a boisterous 3 year old. I am 41 years old now and am still a part of WWE. I still wrestle and I am often surprised as to why I still see a sea of Cenation fans in the crowd. Maybe because really, I've become a legend too in their eyes like I always dreamt of.

When I am finally done with checking out the dispenser, Nikki places her lips on mine and we share a brief kiss. Which had to broken by Jonathan who kinda reminds me about my own mischievous self when I was younger.

"Dad" he whined, before reaching out to grab my hand in his own tiny little fingers. It almost looked like a Hulk's hand in his. "Come on, the show's started."

"Okay, I am coming." And with that, I left the kitchen before sharing one last smile with Nikki and allowing my son to lead me to the living room.

That has been my life for the last 3 years.

And there has been a daily ritual that I follow every night before I slip into bed next to Nichole and Jonathan.

When the moon is out and is busy playing hide and seek with the clouds, I slowly get up from the king bed and glance down at the two most important people in my life, sleeping peacefully. I smile briefly at them before slipping on a shirt and stepping into my high-whites. Then I creep to the door, slip outside and shut it with a soft click. All the time, I make sure that the small folded up piece of paper is safely tucked in the palm of my fist.

The cool breeze never ceases to greet me as I step outside into the moonlit night. Maybe it's because it's the dead of December and the air has to be all chilly and icy. I mutter a curse as I feel the air's icy cold fingers wrap themselves around my knees. I'm in boxers, I don't bother to put on my shorts when I leave for my daily night-outs.

Oh don't get me wrong. I don't mean night-outs in bars or fancy clubs or anything of that sort. I mean spending time with a woman who hasn't failed to leave my heart despite being gone for 5 years. A woman who I can still see in my dreams, flashing her pearly whites at me. Yes, of course she is Torrie Wilson, a woman who I can never stop loving, despite being a married man.

I unclasp my hand and gently take the paper by my other hand. The part that stands out the most while I am unfolding it is that I am invariably hit by the scent of strawberry and peaches. Her favorite perfume. Strange isn't it? This paper is 5 years old and yet, her scent lingers around unceasingly.

The paper's finally unfolded and I raise it to my eyes. My eyes warm at the sight of her handwriting, it reminds me of those times when she'd scribble down apology notes for me whenever we'd have a fight. And then I began to read the words, her very last words all inscribed on this wrinkly piece of paper before she died in a car accident.

I don't know how it always manages to bring tears in my eyes before I get even halfway through it. Maybe because the purity of her truthful words stand out so much, it could almost ooze out of the paper. I close my eyes for some time and there she is again, blond curls and deep grins. Her beauty always left me breathless but it was really her soft heart that had made me go head-over heels for her.

My eyes glaze over the wrinkled paper as I read it for the millionth time in the course of the last 5 years. I had got this letter just 2 days after she left the world. And though I couldn't hold her hand when she left, I locked myself up in my room and cried endless tears. The pain was just too much for my heart to bear.

Two turbulent years later, I finally decided to move on with my life like she told me to and married Nikki in a church in Tampa, Florida. Yes she has given me immense happiness and a young boy, but no one can ever fill the void in my heart that Torrie Wilson had left.

I can almost hear her whisper these words inscribed in the letter, so truly poured from her heart and for a moment, I can almost feel her warm presence around me. But then again the cool breeze blows and I am struck with the painful reality that she could never come back so that I could hold her in my arms.

"Torrie" I mumble as the heart ache silently wraps my body in pure grief. Even now after having read the letter so many times, infinitely many times you can say, I still yearn to read it again and again like it just came in the mail yesterday.

I hate myself for having let go of her in the first place and there hasn't been a single day when I didn't curse myself for leaving her off like that nearly 10 years ago. If only I knew, just how much she loved me, I wouldn't have acted like the idiot I was during those days and left her to date someone else.

Unlike any other woman in my life, Torrie always loved me for me, not for the one-night stands I was so famous for and not for being a championship magnet. Though Nikki ain't like that too, there's just something about that blond-haired beauty that makes her stand out real far from the rest.

Torrie just didn't teach me the value of a person and a single memory, she taught me the concept of true love, something I used to scoff at when I was the cocky Cena. But then it was after I met her did I completely change my notion about love. I only wanted to get laid but in the process of getting close to her, I fell deeply in love with her. And ever since, I haven't stopped loving her despite the fact that I left her high and dry for another worthless piece of shit. You have absolutely no idea just how much I regret doing so.

Finally, I've been over the entire letter and as per my daily routine, I raise my blue eyes to stare up at the starless black sky. She has to be somewhere, I know it, she always is. And just as I turn my gaze towards the moon, there it is, a twinkling diamond gazing back at me as it held itself in the clouds near the crescent moon.

I feel a tear roll down my cheek as I continue to gaze at it. A small smile then spreads on my face as I realize she has kept her promise of being there for me whenever I needed her. Then I softly whisper to that one little star,

"I love you Tor, always and forever."

The twinkling just seems to increase and I know I've got the response that I wanted.

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Please Review! Hope you liked it. I honestly felt tears in my eyes while writing this...


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